So many problems, so many cats.

My ears are bleeding.

Play by play of the terrible music I’m being subjected to right now:

It’s really loud, which SHOULD hide how bad it sounds. Unfortunately for my ears, it does NOT.

The lead singer is talking to the crowd, but doing a very bad job of endearing himself (to me at least).

Oh god, there are people in the crowd cheering for these guys. That’s not a good idea! It’s only going to encourage them to play more!!! Ugh.

…now we’re supposed to sing happy birthday to some guy named Tim. Tim, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry your “friends” busted you out so you have to admit to knowing them.

…I guess I’ve said about all that can be said, and I didn’t use a single expletive! Kudos to me.

BEST THING ABOUT THIS BAND: a lady asked me to watch the merchandise, because her son was playing. She said she’d do the same thing for me. I hope to god that I don’t look old enough to be the parent of ANYONE playing here tonight. Maybe I should be better about sun screen.

YOU’RE a PARENT???!?!?!

In my line of work, I meet a lot of parents. Most are great, some are good, and some are downright AWFUL.

I met a woman today, the mom of an 8 year old girl. She was terrible. She walked in wearing high heels and carrying a purse that probably cost more than I make in a month. Her nails looked great, her hair was all done up, and she was tanned beyond recognition. You could tell she cares a LOT about appearances. Her daughter, on the other hand, looked sad.

She was frustrated with school, falling behind, and afraid to make any mistakes. That’s all super common, but it needs to be addressed early, you know? I could see all of this before I even tested her. I know a lot about kids.

The test confirmed my suspicions, so I explained everything to the mom. Then I told her about the steps I would take to help her daughter be a better student, and gain some confidence. She seemed impressed, especially after I showed her the work of some other students in her daughter’s class.

…Then I told her about the cost of our learning program, which is very reasonable. She stopped me— “Are there any discounts available?” “What about hardship cases?” “Can you tell me about any similar programs that are cheaper?”

…No, lady. I can’t, and I wouldn’t even if I knew of any. I don’t have kids of my own, and I don’t make much money. I know what it’s like to be poor, and it involves a lot of going without. Your child is in trouble, and it’s all downhill from here, but I can’t give you special treatment because you’d rather spend your money at the salon, or the gym, or on purses at the mall.

I get mad at parents like this, and luckily I don’t encounter too many of them. But every time I do, I’m flabbergasted. After a day or two, I usually forget about them. There’s no reason for me to keep them in the front of my mind.

But occasionally, they’ll come rushing back into my head, and all I can think is, “Wow. Your poor kid.”

Tuesday afternoon.

I’m drinking flat champagne and mopping the floor. Little things like Cheerios and wheels from matchbox cars keep showing up, even though I already swept. I don’t know how I could have missed them… I guess I’m not as detail-oriented as I used to be.

The champagne bottle was opened two days ago; the fact that there’s any left is a victory in itself. There was a time when I wouldn’t have stopped drinking until it was empty.

But that’s not what I think about. I think about how many things I think I’ve already handled, only to realize that I haven’t really handled them at all. How many more Cheerios will I come across? How many more tufts of cat fur will I find with my mop? How many more situations will pop up, long after I thought they’d been laid to rest?

I guess that’s part of life. Not knowing these things. And maybe in the end, you’ll be judged not on how well you clean, but by how hard you try after you think you’re done.

Suck on my tits! …not you, you’re a kid.

I know that breast feeding is natural, and even healthy, but does it really have to go on for so long? I get it: you feel more “connected” to your child, it’s a “bonding experience” that you don’t want to let go of, and it even helps you lose weight! So what’s the problem?

Uhhh, the problem is that IT’S CREEPY. I’m talking to you, mother of a 2 year old. If your kid is old enough to ask for some tittie, he’s old enough to drink from a sippy cup.

If you want to make your kid into a weirdo, that’s your right as a parent. But how would you feel if a father still wanted to wipe his daughter’s butt when she’s 5 years old? Sure, she CAN do it herself, but he doesn’t want to lose that “special” bonding time with her. That would be weird, right? You’d probably want him locked up, because what he’s doing is unnecessary and creepy.

Letting your child suckle your tits when they’re 2, 3, even 4 years old is weird. It’s NOT natural. If a child can’t be sustained on your tit milk alone, he needs to stop drinking it all together.

Find a man to suck your tits… God knows there’s enough of them out there that want to.